figuring [fĭg-yər-ing]
verb
The act of making connections, both obvious and surprising, in order to create a bigger, deeper, and more helpful understanding of the world around oneself and one’s internal and external experiences, leading to the discovery and acceptance of one’s entanglement with other humans, creatures, environments, and culture across space and time.
I am gratefully and graciously borrowing the term “figuring” from the brilliant and generous Maria Popova, who wrote a book by this title which describes her “distinctive practice of creating linkages, adjacencies, and intersections among disparate individuals and ideas.”
On the surface, most people seek out therapy for a wide variety of reasons. Some of the most common I see are intense feelings of sadness, overwhelm, or anxiety, tension in relationships of all kinds, the effects of trauma from both big events and persistent trauma over time, anger at the state of the world, a desire to understand themselves better, or simply the need for a space for honest expression. And while each of these reasons is distinctive – and the individuals facing them are even more unique – they also all share something in common: Disconnection.
We have been led to believe that the ultimate achievement is to reach a point where we are self-sufficient, free of pain or discomfort (or at least know how to eliminate it quickly when it arises), and unaffected by the world around us. But none of these are actually possible, and striving towards them lead to the challenges mentioned above: emotions that feel out of control, relationships that are precarious, and an overall feeling of loneliness.
Without digging too deep, and in order to keep this page to a reasonable length you might actually read (!), it is also important to point out something else these reasons for coming into therapy have in common: All of these experiences are influenced by people, systems, and circumstances outside of each individual. For example, it is impossible to consider the feelings of depression or anxiety that someone is experiencing without taking into account what their life circumstances are – who they are, who has or has had power in their life, what barriers they face, etc. And this is where figuring comes in.
Figuring is the work of making connections and the antidote of disconnection. It is the movement towards accepting that we are entangled with one another and the world whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. When someone chooses to meet with me for therapy, we will explore as many facets as we can when it comes to why they might be having their current experience. It is a relief to know that what you’re going through is not your fault, not isolated, and not entirely unique. It is also difficult to recognize and wrestle with what this ultimately means; if you only have so much responsibility, you also only have so much control.
I say this in other places on my website, but it is important to state very clearly: Therapy is not the solution to these problems.
In therapy we might explore tools or practices that can help to manage the distress and discomfort that these challenges cause. We might also make some connections about physical, relational, or circumstantial changes which may lead to some relief. But at its root, therapy with me is the work of making connections, learning new ways of knowing and understanding yourself and the world around you, and moving towards healing through expanding your ability to hold difficult feelings with joyous ones and the growing capacity to sit with them – even when it is painful.
If this sounds like a journey you are curious about embarking upon, please read a little bit more about me, my economic justice based fee structure, and reach out to connect. It would be a privilege to work on figuring some of life out alongside you.